ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
