at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
