My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
