we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
