Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
