I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
