I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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