how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
