When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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