i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
