In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
