Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
