Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
