I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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