why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
