He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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