That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
