xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
