It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
