So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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