barbara walters just said penis...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
