so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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