What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
