I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
