no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
