The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
