My balls are so social today.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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