We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
