I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
