What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
