his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
