i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
