My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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