Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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