Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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