WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just high enough for therapy.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
