Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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