I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Randomize
