is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
