So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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