The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
