she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
