thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
