you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
