If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
