So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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