You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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