I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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