I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
