pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
