i permit you to call me
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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