so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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