bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
