Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
