EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I have already put on my inside pants.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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