I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
