she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
