HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
