all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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